


mind if I steal you away?

by FullmetalChords



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Competition, Bachelorette AU, F/F, Group Dates, Helicopters, M/M, Misleading Editing, Rose Ceremonies, Screenplay/Script Format, serial dating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-12-21 04:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11936214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullmetalChords/pseuds/FullmetalChords
Summary: This season onThe Bachelorette, Mila Babicheva dates 25 of the country's most eligible bachelors in order to find true love. But are some of the men there for the wrong reasons? Will Mila's lonely life on the ice finally come to an end? And just whatisgoing on between Victor and Yuuri K., anyway?An AU inspired by theBachelorfamily of products. Victuuri/Saramila endgame.





	1. Week 1: Meet Mila Babicheva

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been watching _The Bachelorette_ for... years. And something about this latest shitty season, combined with my love for YOI (obviously), has made me sit down to try and get some wish fulfillment out. (RACHEL. WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLL.) Some of the stuff in here is inspired by what happened in this latest season because watching _The Bachelorette_ means never having to say you're kidding. A lot of it is also inspired by me, a queer person, watching the world's straightest show and wishing it were gayer.
> 
> This fic is written in script format; empty brackets [] indicate a scene change or a cut, and [actions are written in brackets].

 

 

[Open on a skating rink lit with a single spotlight. A lone, feminine figure stands in the middle of it, face obscured by shadows, a hint of glitter shimmering along her silhouette.]

[She begins skating to lovely, romantic music- a string quartet playing Pachelbel's  _Canon in D_. As she moves, details come to light: her costume is white, studded with rhinestones, a single silken red bloom pinned coyly to her waist. The young woman’s vivid red hair swirls around her face and we can see her dreamy smile.]

Mila voiceover: My name is Mila Babicheva. I am 25 years old and I’m originally from Russia, but I’ve been living in the United States for the last six years.

[Cut to the same woman in a studio, a vase of long-stemmed red roses visible behind her. She is wearing a graphic tee and jeans, her hair gracefully swept back to expose her undercut.]

Mila: [grinning] And I am your Bachelorette!

[More shots of Mila skating. Her steps are gentle, graceful, belying the strength in her jumps. The mist of the rink, the quality of the light, the sharp sound of her blades cutting the surface of the ice, all lend her an ethereal, dream-like quality.]

[Cut to host Sara Crispino in front of Bachelor mansion in LA.]

Sara: Good evening, America, and welcome to a new season of _The Bachelorette_. I’m your host, Sara Crispino. We’ve seen many Bachelors and Bachelorettes take this journey to find true love, but we’ve never had seen a story quite like this.

[Shots of Mila hard at work in the ballet studio, running through choreography. More of her running at the Olympics complex, the Rocky Mountains in view behind her. A chyron in the lower third reads “Colorado Springs, CO.”]

Mila voiceover: I moved to Colorado to train when I was nineteen. I am an Olympic figure skater for my wonderful home country of Russia. I won bronze at Sochi three years ago, and last year I won gold at the World Championships. [Laughs] Among many others in my career!

[Several shots of Mila on different podiums, accepting her medals, tears of joy running down her face.]

Mila voiceover: Skating is an incredible sport, and it’s the thing I love best in the world. But… it hasn’t left me much time for dating.

[Shots of Mila walking along the streets of downtown Colorado Springs looking pensive, hands cupped around a warm takeaway cup of coffee.]

Mila voiceover: Skating can be an incredibly lonely sport. All the long hours spent on the ice with only you and your coach… it’s very difficult to find someone who understands that kind of commitment. But I want to find someone to share my life with. Someone I can trust with my heart.

[Back in the studio, she smiles at the camera, friendly and optimistic.]

Mila: I’m ready to take this journey to find love.

 

[]

 

[It is evening at the Bachelor Mansion -- the night of the first cocktail party. As per each season’s custom, Sara Crispino stands in front of the house, wearing a crisp black suit and a white gardenia behind her right ear. A limo pulls up to the front of the mansion and Mila emerges.]

[She is, in a word, stunning. Her white, floor-length evening gown is sleeveless, displaying her slender yet powerful arms. The gown glitters in the moonlight and the camera floodlights, studded with tiny crystals from her neck all the way to where the skirt trails on the floor. The dress itself seems made of ice, which is only offset by the brightness of Mila’s hair and the brilliant aquamarine of her jewelry.]

Mila: Sara!

Sara: Mila! Welcome to the mansion.

[The two women share an embrace.]

Sara: Mila, you look… wow. Ah. [clears throat] The men coming here tonight certainly won’t be disappointed.

[The faintest blush is visible on Mila’s pale cheeks.]

Mila: I’m glad you think so, Sara.

[Sara clears her throat again.]

Sara: So! [claps hands] Welcome, Bachelorette.

Mila: Thank you! It’s hard to believe I’m actually here.

Sara: Just think: tonight, you could be meeting your future husband. How are you feeling?

Mila: I’m excited! Well, I’m a little nervous, but. I’m also excited. This whole experience has been so… surreal so far. This place is so beautiful. This _dress_ is so beautiful! I feel like a princess, getting all dolled up for the ball. [She laughs.]

[Sara smiles at her, leaning in like they’re already old friends.]

Sara: Do you think you’re ready?

Mila: To fall in love? Absolutely. I’m more than ready to start sharing my life with more than just the ice. As far as meeting these guys… [She grins, a little nervous.] I have high hopes! Let’s see if any of them can measure up.

Sara: Well, in just a few minutes, you’ll be meeting the first of the guys. The best of luck!

[She gestures down the driveway, where the first limo is already pulling up. Mila’s eyes widen in excitement. Sara walks off-camera just as the limo pulls to a stop in front of Bachelor Mansion.]

[The limo door opens.]

[The first man to emerge is Japanese, his dark hair slicked back from his face. He offers Mila a seductive smile as he approaches.]

Yuuri K.: So lovely to meet you, Mila.

Mila: [offering him a hug] Nice to meet _you_!

Yuuri K.: I’m Yuuri, I’m a dancer. [taking both her hands in his] And I can’t wait to match my steps to yours for the rest of our lives.

[Mila actually looks a little flustered, blushing as Yuuri bows deeply, brushing his lips against the backs of her hands.]

Mila: Oh my. Sounds wonderful.

[Yuuri releases her and begins to walk toward the house.]

Yuuri: [blowing her a kiss] See you inside?

Mila: Yes! Yeah! I will… see you!

[Mila turns back toward the limo, fanning herself discreetly with her hand.]

 

[]

 

[Meanwhile, as soon as Yuuri has entered the mansion, he seems to wilt, his expression going from sultry to shell-shocked in a matter of seconds.]

Yuuri: [muttering to himself] ‘I can’t wait to match my…’? That was so embarrassing! Keep it together, Yuuri, _you’re on TV!_

 

[]

 

[Back outside the house, a second man emerges from the limo- Southeast Asian with a bright, bubbly energy.]

Phichit: Mila! [He does a goofy little dance as he walks up to her, rolling his shoulders and swaying his hips, and Mila laughs, charmed.] I’m Phichit, twenty-four, Detroit’s top social media maven. And by the end of the night, I know you’ll be swiping right.

[He’s just charismatic enough to pull off the line, and Mila laughs again.]

Mila: Nice to meet you, Phichit!

Phichit: Can I just say, you look absolutely stunning. And I know _I_ look fine as hell. It’d be a shame for us not to get a pic together, don’t you think?

[He pulls out his phone, and he and Mila strike matching cheesy poses together, both flashing peace signs.]

[The third man is a firefighter who lifts Mila into his arms as if to show how he’d rescue her from a burning building. The fourth, an attorney who calls her a “prosecutie”.]

[The fifth man is shorter than some of the others, carrying a rope in one hand and a long metal bar over his other shoulder. His expression is rather serious.]

Mila: Hello there! [She smiles, game for whatever gimmick he’s about to use.]

[The man does not answer, instead lowering the item he was carrying to the ground. The camera can now see the rope was tied to a massive block of ice. But as soon as the viewer can register this, the newcomer has taken the bar — a sledgehammer—off his shoulder and swings it down as hard as he can toward the block of ice. It splinters into several large chunks.]

[The man looks up into Mila’s shocked expression.]

Otabek: I just wanted to break the ice. [walks forward, extending his hand] Hi. I’m Otabek.

[Mila shakes his hand, looking unsure as to whether she should be charmed or disturbed.]

Mila: Wow, Otabek! That sure is a way to make an entrance. [looks teasingly at him] Broken ice is pretty dangerous for someone in my line of work, though.

Otabek: [stricken] Oh. Well, I…

[Mila laughs at his expression.]

Mila: You know, I’ve heard that line a billion times now, and no one’s ever gone that extra mile to act it out for me!

[She smiles at him, and Otabek relaxes.]

[Shots of a few more men getting out of the limo, interspersed with Mila’s reactions to their opening lines.]

Mila voiceover: I have met some really great guys tonight!

[Shot of a man dressed as a penguin waddling up to Mila, with the lower-third chyron naming him “Cao Bin”. Her smile freezes in place.]

Mila voiceover: And others… not so much.

[The penguin quickly disappears inside, soon replaced with yet another man. He is blond, with the longest eyelashes ever captured on film, and is giving Mila a simpering look.]

Chris: You just say the word, darling, and I’d be happy to take you away from all these terrible men. [He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out two slips of paper with a wink.] Whenever you want Uncle Chris to whisk you off to Vegas, just say the word “butterbrot”. All right?

[Mila gives him a look like she’s humoring him.]

Mila: I will, Chris. Nice to meet you.

[Chris heads inside, and the eleventh man climbs out of the limo. He has a sweet expression and is holding something behind his back.]

Guanghong: Mila, it’s so good to finally meet you! [He goes in for the hug immediately.] I’m Guanghong, and for our first meeting, I wanted to give you something special.

[He whips the object out from behind his back; it’s a long-stemmed silk rose. Mila smiles when she sees it, taking it graciously.]

Mila: Wow, flipping the script! Very nice.

[Guanghong blushes.]

Guanghong: I hope that our love will be like this rose. [Seems to realize what he said.] Uh, not that it’s fake! I mean that… that it will never die.

[Mila laughs, and he seems to take it as encouragement. He, too, heads into the mansion.]

[The last man out of the limo has dark hair and a peaked face; not classically handsome, but there’s a certain sensitivity to him that is almost palpable.]

Georgi: Mila, enchante. I’m Georgi. [He bows deeply before her, and Mila giggles before curtsying back, playing along.] My goodness. You look… straight out of a fairy tale.

Mila: [teasingly] Not Baba Yaga, I hope?

[Georgi takes it in stride.]

Georgi: Certainly not! You are as clever and charming as the Princess Vasilisa, although far more lovely. I can only hope that your happily ever after is something you would choose to share with me.

[Mila is unexpectedly charmed by Georgi’s words, not to mention his familiarity with Russian fairy tales.]

Mila: That’s… so lovely. Well, welcome, Georgi. I can’t wait to talk to you more inside.

[Georgi makes his way toward the front door, and Mila all but slumps over.]

Mila: Bozhe moy, that was exhausting. I’m going to need a minute to breathe before I head in there.

Sara: We’re actually just about halfway through the introductions.

[Mila goggles at her.]

Mila: You’re [bleep]ing me.

 

[]

 

[Inside the Mansion, the twelve men who have emerged so far all begin to settle in. A few of them have begun helping themselves to drinks already.]

Jeff the magician: Did you seriously bring plane tickets here?

Chris: Why, of course! [He reaches into his suit jacket, pulling them out again with a flourish.] I told her we could elope tonight, if she wished. [He winks cheekily at the group, though none of them seem to share in the joke.]

[Across the room, Phichit is engaging in his own conversation. He looks Cao Bin up and down, sizing him up.]

Phichit: …Did she laugh, at least?

[Cao Bin looks sadly at the ground, shaking his head.]

 

[]

 

Yuuri K.: There are so many good-looking men here, all of them really charming and witty…

[He runs a finger under his collar, looking incredibly nervous.]

Yuuri: It’s some really stiff competition out there. If Mila puts me through this first night, I’ll be shocked.

 

[]

 

[Back out in front of the mansion, Mila waits for the second limo to pull up. But before it does… she hears the faint strain of rock music, an electric guitar and drumbeat felt before they are heard.]

Mila: Oh my god. What is this?

[Within moments, a flatbed truck has pulled up in front of the mansion, featuring a five-piece rock band with full lights, speakers, and equipment. The lead singer is shirtless.]

Lead singer: [singing] _I can rule the world, JJ, just follow me! I will break the walls, now look at me!Fools who are even wise aren’t the enemies; this is who I am, just remember me!_

[Mila laughs, incredibly entertained.]

Mila: What is this?!

 

[]

 

[The men inside the house can hear the song playing too, and have all come to the entryway to investigate. Yuuri K. looks almost green.]

 

[]

 

[Mila claps along to the song, which is almost unbearably catchy. The lead singer is incredibly into it, working the mic like a pro, tossing grins and winks Mila’s way every now and then.]

Singer: _I’m the king, JJ, no one can stop me! This is who I am, baby — just follow me!_

[The song comes to an end, and Mila bursts into applause. The lead singer hops off the truckbed with an assist from his bassist.]

Mila: Oh my god, I love it! What was that?

[The singer tosses his bangs from his eyes.]

JJ: Just a little thing I like to call… _JJ style!_

[He flashes her a hand signal in which his thumbs and forefingers form a pair of J’s. Mila claps again, and JJ comes forward, half-moving in for a hug; but he seems unusually conscious of his sweaty, bare torso, and so refrains from touching Mila and ruining her dress. Instead, he takes her hand in both of his.]

JJ: I think King JJ might have finally found his queen, Mila.

Mila: Ooh, ‘Queen Mila’. I like the sound of that!

[With a final flourish, JJ makes his way toward the house. The men who had been watching him from the entryway quickly scuttle out of the way, pretending they haven’t been staring at the newcomer.]

 

[]

 

Guanghong: [head in his hands] A shirtless rock concert. Why didn’t I think of that?!

 

[]

 

[The second limo finally pulls up, a chorus of men shouting Mila’s name from inside the limo. She waves at them with a grin.]

[The first man out of this limo is — a banana. More accurately, a man in a life-sized banana suit.]

Banana man: Good evening, Mila. I’m Eric, and I hope you can see the ap-peel of marrying me.

[Mila groan-laughs. The banana bows after introducing himself, and heads inside. Second out is none other than a ventriloquist, carrying a dummy that looks like a miniature version of himself.]

Ben: Hey, I’m Ben, and this is Trilo.

Trilo: You know, I may be a little stiff, but most women seem to _really_ like that!

[Trilo takes off his tiny top hat and bows. Mila watches the show in mild horror.]

Mila: Ohhhh, no. No. I don’t like this.

 

[]

 

Mila: Ben seems sweet, but his puppet is… really creepy??? [To the producer off-camera] I’m not alone in thinking that, right?!

 

[]

 

[Third out is a man with chin-length blond hair. The vest of his three-piece suit is patterned in leopard print, and he approaches Mila with a haughty, confident expression.]

Yuri P.: Mila. [He points at her, firing his finger like a gun.] Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in Tennessee.

[He freezes, grimacing at himself. Mila’s hands are pressed to her cheeks.]

Mila: Oh my gosh. You’re so _cute_!

[The camera zooms out, showing clearly that Yuri P. Is a good head shorter than Mila.]

Yuri P.: What did you…?! [Rushes to collect himself, remembering he’s on camera.] I mean, I may be a little on the short side, but you know what they say about small packages-

Mila: [interrupting him] I could probably lift you!

Yuri P.: Uh…

[Without missing another beat, Mila has lifted up Yuri P. clear over her head with a grin, leaving him flailing his arms and legs like a turtle on its back.]

Yuri P.: What the f- Put me down, you _hag!_

[Mila complies, still laughing. Yuri P. does not seem to share in her amusement.]

Mila: Sorry! I know I’m stronger than I look.

Yuri P.: [dusting himself down] F-fine… just don’t do that again.

Mila: [teasingly] Why? Scared of heights?

[Yuri P. looks ready to murder. His face forms a rictus grin.]

Yuri P.: [through gritted teeth] I look forward to getting to know you tonight.

[Without waiting for a response, he all but stomps into the mansion. Mila watches him go, still laughing.]

 

[]

 

Mila: I know, I know. I couldn’t help it! He’s just… so small. Like a little brother. But! [She shrugs.] Maybe getting to know him will prove me wrong. Who knows.

 

[]

 

[The next man is sharply-dressed, save his bright rainbow-colored bow tie with parrots on it.]

Seung Gil: Mila Babicheva. As a longtime skating fan, it’s wonderful to meet you.

Mila: The pleasure is mine!

[He leans in for double cheek-kisses, almost robotic. Mila seems surprised by the gesture, but not unpleasantly so.]

Mila: Wow, last time I did this was with my _babushka_ back in Yekaterinburg.

Seung Gil: I did take the time to study Russian customs before coming here. I hope I have done satisfactorily.

[He leaves after a second pair of cheek kisses, and Mila looks after him, bewildered.]

[More men stream from the limo, one by one. No fewer than five personal trainers come out, all one after the other. By the time the last one leaves, Mila looks incredulous and more than a little hysterical.]

Mila: [to the camera] I wonder if this guy’s going to be a _sixth_ PT?!

[But the next thing out of the limo is a 12-string guitar, which is being expertly plucked in a flamenco rhythm that Mila can’t help but dance along to. The man playing said guitar serenades her in Spanish.]

Leo: _Bésame, bésame mucho, como si fuera esta noche la ultima vez…_

[His singing style is nothing at all like JJ’s bombastic entrance, but it is soft and romantic, and Mila finds herself blushing by the end of it.]

Mila: Ah, bravissimo! [She applauds, and Leo takes a bow, grinning.]

Leo: I hate that I had to follow JJ’s act. I feel like I should have been his warmup. [He laughs, self-deprecating.]

Mila: You play really beautifully!

Leo: Ah, thanks! I’m a professional musician— well, semi-professional! Been making a living in LA for the past several years. [He plucks the strings of his guitar, making the instrument sing.] _Haremos música bellísima juntos, ya sé._

Mila: [grinning] I don’t speak a word of Spanish, but I love it!

[Leo heads in just as the second-to-last man steps out — sandy hair, a full beard.]

Emil: Mila! [He goes in for the hug immediately, and Mila reciprocates, delighted.]

Mila: Hello!

Emil: I’m Emil, it’s lovely to meet you. And I’m very much looking forward to getting to know you tonight. But… [His expression slips a hair.]

Mila: No! No buts!

Emil: No, it’s just… have you heard of Murphy’s Law?

Mila: [grimacing] Yeah, I’m familiar.

Emil: Well, are you familiar with Cole’s Law?

Mila: Um, no. What’s Cole’s Law?

Emil: It’s, ah, thinly-sliced cabbage.

[There is a beat, and Mila laughs uproariously, her most genuine one of the night.]

Mila: Ah, you got me good! [She goes in to hug Emil again.] So good to meet you, Emil. I’ll see you inside?

Emil: You will!

[At long last, the last man emerges from the limo. His suit is a classy charcoal grey, which goes nicely with his platinum-blond hair. It is almost white-silver in the moonlight, and he tosses it proudly as he walks up to Mila.]

Victor: [in perfect Russian, subtitled] Good evening, Mila.

Mila: [surprised and delighted, she responds in her native language] Good evening!

[Victor grins, embracing her, and switches to English.]

Victor: You’ve heard of saving the best for last, I hope? [His grin in her direction is like butter, and the camera picks up a faint flush on Mila’s cheeks.]

Mila: Oh, I never have. I’m usually far too impatient.

Victor: [gently taking Mila’s hand in his] Well. I hope I can make you understand that some things truly are worth the wait.

[He bows his head, kissing the back of Mila’s hand, and she giggles.]

Victor: I’m Victor. It’s truly the greatest honor to meet you, Mila Babicheva.

Mila: [now blushing furiously] Oh. The honor is all mine, Victor.

[He winks at her before turning to walk in the house, and Mila buries her face in her hands, trying to hide her squee.]

 

[]

 

Mila: Seriously! So many boys. So many _beautiful boys_. God. They’re just so… [She inhales deeply, her eyes full of stars.] So much. So _mine_. [She squeals a little before calming.] It’s great! It’s very exciting. I’m so blessed to go on this journey. Hashtag #blessed, even!

[In the corner of the screen, the redundant hashtag #hashtagblessed appears.]

 

[]

 

[Victor enters the mansion to join the other twenty-four contestants. Phichit nods at him, already halfway through a whiskey sour.]

Phichit: So. What was your gimmick, then?

Victor: No gimmick! [He laughs.] If you need to do something extravagant to earn a woman’s attention, this means there’s something deficient about you as a person, wouldn’t you agree?

[The camera lingers on Banana Eric, Penguin Cao Bin, Leo, Otabek, and JJ, all of whom clearly do _not_ agree.]

[Across the room, Yuuri K. looks up at the newcomer, drawn in by the sound of his chatter with Phichit. His jaw drops as soon as he gets a good look at Victor.]

 

[]

 

Yuuri K.: I… I know that guy. [clears his throat] I mean, I don’t _know_ him. He’s some kind of model, his billboard is right next to my apartment. His… underwear billboard. [Yuuri K. clears his throat again, looking truly flustered.] It’s a very nice billboard. And _Marie Claire_ shoot. And _Playgirl_ spread. I… got it for the articles.

[He doesn’t seem willing to look the producer in the eye.]

 

[]

 

Victor: I came on _The Bachelorette_ in search of true love. My modeling career has been incredibly fulfilling thus far, but it seems… empty, without someone to share it with.

 

[]

 

[Victor’s eyes scan the room, coming to light on Yuuri K. He notices the other man staring at him, and he offers him a friendly grin. Yuuri K. flushes, immediately busying himself with getting a drink.]

 

[]

 

Victor: Optimistic? [He beams at the producer.] Of course I’m optimistic! How could I not be? It would be hard _not_ to fall in love in a place like this.

 

[]

 

[Mila has now entered the mansion, where her 25 Bachelors have all gathered in the middle of the living room. Each of them holds a flute of champagne.]

Mila: I wanted to make a toast. [She holds her glass high.] To each of you gentlemen, to this evening…

Victor: To love!

Chris: To life!

Personal Trainer #4: To _you_ , Mila!

[Mila laughs, bubbly.]

Mila: Cheers, everyone! Let’s have a good time tonight!

[They all cluster, their glasses meeting in the middle. Mila takes a demure sip from her glass, her smile still pasted on. JJ is the first to approach her, touching her shoulder.]

JJ: Hey. Mind if I steal you away?

[Mila heads off to the verandah with JJ. In the corner of the living room, we can see Yuuri K. tipping his entire glass down his throat as though his life depends on it.]

[Mila and JJ sit down together on a loveseat, a polite distance still between them.]

Mila: So! What exactly is “JJ Style”?

JJ: [laughs with her] It’s how I live my life! I figure, the only way to really be happy in this world is to be true to yourself, and to show the world who you are. JJ’s the only person I know how to be, and I owe it to myself to be able to show that to everyone.

Mila: So, you’re definitely a very upfront, honest person.

JJ: Oh yeah! No bull[bleep] with me. JJ Style is all about embracing yourself.

Mila: Y’know, watching you perform was a lot of fun, but I really love hearing the reason behind it. I really admire someone who knows who he is and what he’s about. You know, the last guy I dated—

[They are interrupted as Jason approaches, smirking at JJ.]

Jason: Hey. Can I steal her for a sec?

[JJ backs away, looking immensely annoyed as he does so. Jason immediately takes his place on the loveseat, waggling his eyebrows at Mila.

Jason: Sooooo. Mila. Ever been with a firefighter before?

 

[]

 

[Back in the living room, the men are sitting around. Some are attempting to make small talk among the group, but the atmosphere is undeniably awkward.]

 

[]

 

Phichit: Everyone’s just sizing each other up in there, trying to figure out what everyone’s deal is. I want to be like, hey, guys, let’s put the rulers away and just have a civilized conversation, you know what I mean? [Shakes his head] The energy _sucks_ in there, and you know Mila can feel that too.

 

[]

 

Yuri P.: Let’s get one thing clear. I didn’t come here to make friends. I’m here for Mila.

 

[]

 

Guanghong: There seem to be a pretty interesting mix of guys here tonight! I know everyone wants to try and make some kind of impression, but… [He fidgets.] …I don’t know that everyone is making a… _good_ impression.

 

[]

 

[Two men are off in a side room, valiantly trying to connect with each other.]

Banana man: Soooooo. A penguin suit, huh?

[Cao Bin has the grace to look embarrassed.]

 

[]

 

[Banana man is in the interview room. The lower-third chyron identifies him as “Eric, 24, banana”.]

Eric: I didn’t think anyone else would be doing a costume tonight. I… did not think this through. [His gaze goes into the middle distance, mildly horrified.] I wish I’d worn something under this. 

 

[]

 

Victor: Did you see Mila’s dress tonight? God, she looks amazing.

[The men make sounds of agreement.]

Yuuri K.: [a hair too loud] Amazing!

[Victor glances at him, eyes roaming pointedly up and down Yuuri’s body before he drops his gaze again, smiling to himself. Yuuri gulps down the remainder of his glass and reaches for the bottle of champagne for another refill.]

 

[]

 

Yuuri K.: I’m… a little nervous, being around all these guys. Being around Mila. I’m not the best at putting myself out there. [Laughs nervously] Well… nothing a little liquid courage can’t fix, amirite?

 

[]

 

[Yet another shot of Yuuri gulping champagne from his glass. There is no way of knowing how much he’s had, given that he appears to have commandeered an entire bottle of Moet for himself. There is a high flush appearing on his cheeks, and he laughs almost giddily at the other men’s comments on how the night is going.]

[In the midst of this, Sara Crispino walks into the living room silently, bearing a small silver tray. Without a word, she sets it down on the coffee table, in full sight of the men on the sofas. It bears a single red boutonniere, pristine and fresh.]

Yuri P.: The First Impression Rose…

[A murmur goes around the room as the men all examine the prize.]

 

[]

 

Leo: We all want that Rose. None of us wants to go home this early in the game, before we even get to know Mila. But… only one of us can get it.

 

[]

 

[Tension has overtaken the men who still wait for their chance to talk to Mila, who has been outside for hours now.]

 

[]

 

[Back on the verandah, Mila is listening to one of the men, an investment banker, go on about his stock portfolio and his five-year plan. Her chin is in her hand, and while she appears to be paying close attention, the glaze in her eyes betrays how bored she is.]

 

[]

 

[Phichit leans back on the sofa, rolling his champagne flute between his fingers. He fidgets, seeming uncomfortable with the vibe that the arrival of the First Impression Rose has created.]

Phichit: [offhanded] This is the weirdest party I’ve ever been to.

[The other men murmur in agreement, and Phichit seems emboldened.]

Phichit: Right?! Like, we’re all here to meet Mila, but there’s only one of her, so in the meantime there are 24 of us just kinda… sitting here.

[He gets up in Yuuri K.’s face, who is sitting right next to him, and stares dramatically into his eyes. Yuuri, now clearly intoxicated, titters.]

Yuuri K.: [through giggles] No party ‘f we can’t dance.

Phichit: Yes! Yeeeees! [He gets out his phone.] No worries, fam. I got some good bangers on here.

Yuri P.: [looking disgusted] …Bangers?

Phichit: [scrolling through his phone] Yeah, you know! Music! [He stops scrolling for a moment, a wicked grin appearing on his face.] Ohhh yeah. We’re starting with this one.

[He runs to the house stereo on the far wall, hooking his phone up to the speakers, and hits play. LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” immediately begins to play, and the men collectively groan.]

Phichit: [holding up his hands] I know, I know! You want better songs, get your requests in now!

[The men start to cluster around him, clamoring.]

 

[]

 

[It is Georgi’s turn on the verandah with Mila. He is telling her a story with animated hand gestures, and she laughs genuinely in the appropriate places.]

Mila: So, what made you decide to come on the show?

[Georgi wilts a little, but he pulls himself back together.]

Georgi: I… had something of a bad breakup with my last girlfriend.

Mila: Ohh…

Georgi: I… [He actually sniffles, already close to tears.] …I didn’t want to talk about her on the first night, I’m sorry.

Mila: No, it’s all right. I asked. [She rests a hand on his shoulder.] I’m sorry that she hurt you.

Georgi: Yes. Yes, I… [He tries valiantly to pull himself back together.] She worse than broke my heart. She… she made me doubt… that true love was something that exists in the first place.

Mila: Oh, Georgi… [She doesn’t look like she knows what to say.]

Georgi: [rallying] But… but that’s why I’m here! I _want_ to believe in love again. And once they announced that you were the Bachelorette, I felt…

[He presses a hand over his heart.]

Georgi: I felt a spark, right here, that I hadn’t felt since Anya. Maybe that sounds silly, since we hadn’t met? But you made me want to believe in love again. So I knew I had to meet you, if nothing else.

Mila: Wow. Georgi… I am very glad that I met you.

[Mila reaches for his hand, and the camera lingers as he squeezes back, gratefully.]

 

[]

 

Mila: I loved Georgi’s courage in opening up to me. It sounds like he’s been through a lot! He’s sensitive, he’s funny, he’s very kind… I think Georgi and I may have made a real connection tonight.

 

[]

 

[Meanwhile, the party inside is in full swing, Rihanna blasting from Phichit’s phone speakers. The men are mingling with one another more, several of them swaying in time with the music.]

[But none of them hold a candle to Yuuri K. He dances with abandon in the center of the living room, graceful even in his intoxication, a bottle of Moet dangling almost delicately from his fingertips. There is some laughter, some impressed hollering. Victor has gotten out his phone and is snapping picture after picture. He is laughing, his cheeks flushed.]

Victor: [laughing] Work it, dance guy!

[Yuuri’s attention snaps toward Victor at the sound of his voice. Without missing a beat in the song, he spins toward Victor, seizing him by the tie and pulling him in, drawing him to the center of the dance floor with him.]

Yuuri: [breathless] It’s ‘Yuuri’. [He flashes Victor the barest wink, and Victor looks dazed.]

Victor: Yuuri…

[The song changes to something more mid-tempo, and Yuuri’s eyes meet Victor’s, glinting with a challenge.]

Yuuri: Dance with me. It’s a party, isn’t it?

[He falls into a paso doble, and while Victor looks surprised he’s able to keep up surprisingly well with the professional dancer.]

Victor: Best party I’ve ever been to!

 

[]

 

[Mila is on the sofa talking with Seung Gil, but the sounds of the music and dancing inside the mansion clearly have her distracted.]

Seung Gil: …So you see, proper tank maintenance is an essential part of good hermit crab health…

Mila: —Seung Gil. Sorry. Just… what’s going on in there?

[Seung Gil looks briefly distasteful, but quickly slips to a more neutral mask.]

Seung Gil: Some of the men started dancing, that’s all. Some of them are… very drunk.

[Mila’s face lights up at the sounds of laughter and music coming from inside.

Seung Gil: We can go somewhere more private if you’d…

Mila: Oh, don’t be silly! Let’s go have a look!

[She waves for Seung Gil to follow her as she makes her way back inside the mansion, but doesn’t wait to see if he does.]

 

[]

 

[Mila appears in the doorway just as Yuuri K. and Victor are wrapping up their improvised routine. They’ve been circling one another, mimicking the torero and the bull—Victor whips off his jacket and waves it teasingly in front of Yuuri, who stamps his foot and pretends to give himself horns. The chemistry between the two of them is electric.]

[The camera focuses on Mila, who is watching all of this with utter delight.]

[Yuuri stampedes past Victor, who spins his jacket over his head before slipping it back on, just in time for Yuuri to catch him from behind. The song ends as Yuuri dips Victor, their faces close together, both of them grinning and breathing heavily. Victor in particular is clinging to Yuuri tightly, eyes practically starry as he looks up at him, but then…]

Mila: [applauding] Amazing! Absolutely amazing!

[The appearance of the Bachelorette seems to have broken the spell, not just between Yuuri and Victor, but in the room at large. Phichit heads to the stereo to turn the music off as Yuuri guides Victor back to his feet, both of them looking flushed.]

Mila: Oh… oh no, keep the music on! I’d like the next dance! [She beams in Yuuri’s direction, who still seems a little punch-drunk from his dance with Victor.]

[But, to Yuuri’s credit, he seems to recover quickly enough, picking his way through the crowd of contestants toward Mila.]

Yuuri: Do you know how to rumba, Mila?

Mila: I _love_ the rumba!

[Their conversation continues, but the camera lingers on Victor, who watches Yuuri go with something of a lost look in his eyes.]

 

[]

 

Victor: What? No. No! I wasn’t upset. We’re all here to fall in love, after all. And Mila is… very beautiful.

[He smiles broadly at the camera, but it’s somewhat plastic when compared to the way he smiled when dancing with Yuuri.]

 

[]

 

[Mila and Yuuri dance together, fluid and languid to the slow, sensual Latin song now playing over the speakers. They are utterly in sync, both of them instinctively understanding the dance they’re performing.]

 

[]

 

Yuuri K: [almost defensive] Mila’s a good dancer! It’s wonderful to dance with someone who’s had training!

[He sways in his chair a little, still clearly intoxicated.]

Yuuri: Victor’s had training too, you can tell. He was good. [Points at the off-camera producer] _Very_ good!

 

[]

 

[Mila and Yuuri are still dancing, now doing a more upbeat samba. The song ends, and, still giddy, Mila heads over to the coffee table, where the pristine First Impression Rose rests, waiting. The room seems to hold its collective breath as she picks it up.]

Mila: Hey, Yuuri, I need some air. Come with me?

[Yuuri nods, following her. Some of the men left behind look as though Mila has just roundhouse kicked their dog. Georgi in particular looks particularly crestfallen.]

 

[]

 

Georgi: I thought we’d connected tonight but… I suppose I was wrong.

 

[]

 

[There are fairy lights in the bushes of the back garden, where Mila and Yuuri emerge from the house. The pool is lit with an eerie blue glow, lending something of a magical air to the scene.]

Mila: Yuuri, I had a lot of fun with you tonight.

[Yuuri looks fidgety all of a sudden.]

Yuuri: We can go dance some more then…

Mila: Oh, we will! [They laugh, Yuuri a little uneasy.] But before we do, I wanted to ask you something.

[She pulls out the First Impression Rose, holding it out to Yuuri.]

Mila: Yuuri, will you accept this Rose?

Yuuri: Um…

[He looks around as though expecting to see the other Yuri behind him. Mila laughs, seeming to think he’s joking.]

Yuuri: I… yes. Okay. Sure, I’ll wear your plant on my chest.

[Mila laughs again, brightly, as she carefully pins the boutonniere to Yuuri’s jacket.]

Mila: I knew you were sexy from the moment you stepped out of the limo, but I wasn’t expecting you to have a funny side too!

Yuuri: What?

Mila: You really are the whole package!

Yuuri: Eh?

Mila: I have to get back inside, talk to some more of the guys, but… save me a dance?

[She drifts back toward the house, leaving Yuuri alone in the fairy lights garden.]

Yuuri: [in Japanese, subtitled] _What in the hell?_

 

[]

 

[It is nearly dawn outside the mansion. The twenty-five contestants stand nervously on the dais, while Mila surveys a silver platter with fourteen red rose boutonnieres, identical to the First Impression Rose. Their hunger is almost palpable. Yuuri K. stands in their midst, Rose still on his lapel, marking him as safe for the evening.]

Mila: Gentlemen.

[The men all murmur greetings to her.]

Mila: I’ve had a lovely evening getting to know all of you. But unfortunately, I can only take fifteen of you on this journey with me.

[Mila reaches for the first rose as dramatic music swells. She seems to contemplate it for a few moments.]

Mila: JJ.

[JJ looks stunned and pleased as he steps forward.]

Mila: JJ, will you accept this Rose?

JJ: Absolutely I will!

[Mila pins the Rose to his lapel, and JJ turns to face his fellow contestants. He flashes his characteristic double J’s at them with his thumb and forefinger.]

JJ: [stage whispering] It’s JJ Style!

[Some of the men laugh uneasily. Yuri P. looks livid.]

[Mila continues to call roll. Victor is next to receive a Rose, then Phichit, Chris, Guanghong, Yuri P., Otabek, Leo, Emil, and, to everyone’s shock (including his), Eric the Banana Man. Jason the firefighter and Ben the ventriloquist are also through to the next round. Two Roses remain on the platter. Mila picks one up, holding it for a moment.]

Mila: Georgi.

[Georgi sags with visible relief as he comes forward to accept his Rose. Now only one Rose remains on the platter. Sara Crispino comes forward, seemingly out of thin air.]

Sara: Gentlemen. Mila. This is the last Rose tonight. [She nods at Mila.] When you’re ready.

[Mila watches her go as she picks up the last Rose, rolling it thoughtfully between her fingers. The camera lingers on several men’s anxious faces. Finally…]

Mila: Seung Gil.

[The normally reserved man looks stunned as he steps forward.]

Mila: Seung Gil, will you accept this Rose?

Seung Gil: N-naturally.

[Mila pins it to him with a smile, which he returns.]

[Sara re-emerges from her crypt.]

Sara: Gentlemen, I’m sorry. If you did not receive a Rose, take a moment and say your goodbyes.

[The men cluster around one another, exchanging fond handshakes — or, in the case of eliminated penguin Cao Bin, flipper shakes. Then, one by one, they file out of the Mansion, back into the limos that brought them there earlier that evening.]

[The fifteen remaining contestants cluster around Mila, holding their glasses aloft once more.]

Mila: I want to thank you all for your patience with me tonight. It was important to me that I got to really talk with everyone here, and that takes time. But I think we had a little more fun than these cocktail parties usually are, right?

[The men laugh in agreement, their attention fixed on her. Victor is particularly eager to agree, but his gaze is roaming the group.]

Mila: So, one last toast before bed. [She holds her glass up.] To this journey. This experience. To true love.

[Their glasses all clink.]

 

[]

 

Mila: No, I’ve never been in love. I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing serious before. But tonight… [She smiles, almost bashful.] I don’t know! I just got such a vibe at the end of the night.

Producer: Do you think your true love came to the mansion tonight?

[Cut to footage of the cocktail party. Mila chats with some of the men while Sara Crispino looks on, her smile camera-ready as always.]

[Back in the studio, Mila grins at the producer.]

Mila: Absolutely I do.

 

[]

 

Sara voiceover: This season on _The Bachelorette…_

[A shot of Mila walking barefoot through a vineyard. A light breeze makes her hair flutter as she gazes thoughtfully into the distance.]

Mila voiceover: I’ve spent so long enslaving myself to my career. I’m ready to take that leap and really open my heart to another person.

[Mila runs across a field, taking a flying leap into Victor’s arms as she whoops with joy. A montage erupts with various dates: Mila and Yuuri in a helicopter. Mila and Emil dancing in a nightclub. Mila rinkside, bundled up next to one of the men, watching a hockey game. Shots of Mila kissing various men at candlelit dinners.]

Mila voiceover: I’m not here for drama, I’m not here to mess around. I’m here to fall in love!

[Shots of the men back at the Mansion, where tension is coming to a head. Yuri P. is on his feet, utterly livid. Quick shots of Chris, of Seung Gil, of Emil.]

Leo voiceover: It seems like… some of the guys might be here for the wrong reasons?

JJ: Little Yuri, you have something to say, then say it!

Yuri P.: You’re just sitting there, all smug, and you don’t give a damn about Mila. All you care about is your [bleep] music, and your [bleep] lifestyle brand, and I’m [bleep] sick of it!

Guanghong voiceover: Yuri P. and JJ are always at each other’s throats. It’s not right, it’s not what this experience is supposed to be about…

[Cut to a scene at the edge of a cliff, where JJ is sitting comfortably in a lawn chair as Yuri P. looms over him.]

Yuri P.: You think you’re better than me?! You’re _not_ better than me!

Otabek voiceover: The strain in the house is starting to get to Mila.

[Shots of Mila crying.]

Sara voiceover: Secrets will be revealed…

Victor: My home life… wasn’t the happiest.

Georgi: My ex sent me a message yesterday. She wants to get back together.

Yuuri K.: I’ve been with men before. [defiant] Does that bother you?

[Mila’s jaw drops in shock.]

[Cut to Mila in the studio, obviously upset.]

Mila: I just… didn’t think this would be this hard. [She wipes away a tear, frustrated.]

Sara voiceover: All culminating in an unforgettable proposal in the most romantic city on earth.

[Establishing shots of the Eiffel Tower, the Champs d’Elysees, the Louvre, the Arc d’Triomphe. Dramatic music plays in the background.]

[Mila is dressed to the nines in a flowing silver gown, walking slowly through the gardens at Versailles.]

Mila: I spent so long staying closed off to love. It’s been so hard learning that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to open myself up to another person. And I think that I’m finally ready. I’m ready to get married.

[In the garden, she waits beside a card table that bears a single red Rose.]

Mila voiceover: I’m ready to be with my soulmate.

[ _The Bachelorette_ title card, with its diamond ring logo and brilliant red rose, fills the screen.]


	2. Week 2: First Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mila goes on her first dates with the guys. Who has their first kiss? Who ends up a near miss? It's all coming up tonight, on The Bachelorette!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen this is my fanfiction and I can make griffin mcelroy swoon over yuuri katsuki's thighs if I want to
> 
> Thanks to [seventhstar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstar/pseuds/seventhstar) for the beta!

**@nickluvr99** Such a good premiere of **@BacheloretteABC**!!!!!! Got my fantasy team all set lol #hashtagblessed

 **@ambie_whoa** every year I say I’m done with **@BacheloretteABC** and yet every year they suck me right back in. u win cute latino boy u win

 **@whabooooom** Is it just us or is this season of #thebachelorettethe gayest one yet **@BacheloretteABC**

 **@therealashleyi** **@whabooooom** don’t be so fcking homophobic!!!! why would a GAY GUY be trying to date a GIRL????? fckn moron go watch some tila tequila

 **@rosebuddies** New episode up! Griffin drools over Yuuri K.’s quads while Rachel is SUPER impressed by his alcohol tolerance. Join us! [_bit.ly/rosebuddies_](http://bit.ly/rosebuddies)

 

 

[][][]

[It is the morning after the cocktail party, and the house looks no worse for the wear, having been cleaned overnight by the TV crew. In the kitchen, several of the men sit at the dining table with mugs of coffee. Some of them — Chris, Otabek, firefighter Jason, and Yuri P. prominent among them — look particularly hung over, shushing the others and pulling their coffee close like they can drown in it. Victor stands at the stove over a pan of eggs, looking anxiously from the doorway to the stovetop, back and forth.]

[]

Victor: Some of us overdid it a little last night. I’ve been, uh, making sure those guys have something in their systems to help with the hangover.

[]

[Sure enough, Chris and Yuri P. do have the remains of scrambled eggs sitting in front of them. But Victor doesn’t seem particularly concerned with any of the men at the table. He seems to be waiting for someone who has yet to emerge from the bedrooms.]

[Emil comes into the room holding a white envelope aloft, excitement in his posture.]

Emil: Date card!

[The more hungover men wince at Emil’s entrance, with Otabek glaring over at him and Jason feebly chucking a balled-up napkin in his direction. Phichit bounds into the kitchen on Emil’s heels, fresh from the pool.]

Phichit: [whoops joyfully] All right!! Date card!

[Another ground of grumbling commences.]

Guanghong: Who’s it for?

[Yuuri K. staggers into the kitchen at that moment, his eyes barely open. He looks to be by far the most hungover, still incredibly pale and sweaty. Victor lights up at his appearance.]

Victor: Yuuri! [He slides a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of Yuuri as he sits at the kitchen island.] Here, eat this. It’ll help with the hangover.

Yuuri K.: [not looking up] Mmmmmphthanks. [He blindly grabs a fork and begins to eat.]

Phichit: [singing out] Yuuri K.!

[Yuuri drops his fork with a clatter.]

Yuuri K.: [holding his head] Ow. What?

[Phichit waves the date card in his face.]

Phichit: It’s for you-uu! Mila asked you on the first one-on-one date!

[He deposits the date card in front of Yuuri with a flourish, and for a moment all Yuuri K. can do is stare down at it. At the table, Yuri P. looks livid.]

Yuri P.: Ugh.

[Yuuri K. hasn’t moved, instead holding the envelope in an uncertain hand.]

Victor: I can read it for you, if you want, Yuuri?

[Yuuri finally looks up at Victor, and his eyes go wide as saucers at the sight of him, like he’s utterly floored to see Victor standing there. Victor raises an eyebrow, seeming confused, but Yuuri says nothing. After waiting a moment, Victor gently eases the date card away from him, opening the envelope and pulling out a piece of cardstock with a handwritten message.]

Victor: [reading] “Yuuri K. Today, our relationship soars to new heights. -Mila.”

Phichit: [laughs] Oh, [bleep]. I’ve watched enough of this show to know what that means. [He claps Yuuri on the back.] Hope you’re okay with flying, dude.

[He wanders back to the bedrooms to change, followed to Otabek, Emil, Jason, and Guanghong. At the kitchen island, Yuuri K stares, traumatized, into his plate of eggs.]

[]

[In the studio, a vase of red roses visible behind him, Yuuri K. has his head in his hands, clearly despairing.]

Yuuri K: I… I don’t know what’s going on. I somehow ended up with the First Impression Rose? And I’m going on the first one-on-one? Mila can’t _possibly_ like me that much. There has to be some kind of mistake.

[He looks up at the producer.]

Yuuri K: Also, the super hot underwear model from the billboard outside my apartment is here and made me breakfast, soooo. That’s. Awesome.

[]

[Yuuri K. and Victor are now alone in the kitchen. Victor lays a worried hand on Yuuri K’s shoulder.

Victor: Yuuri, are you feeling all right?

Yuuri K: [slowly] Uh-huh.

Victor: You seem… I don’t know. Shell-shocked?

[There is a strange pause.]

Victor: You… don’t remember last night.

Yuuri K.: Practically nothing after Mila’s first toast. [Hesitatingly, he leans in like he’s sharing some conspiracy.] _I_ got the First Impression Rose?

Victor: It was well-earned. [He smiles faintly, as though remembering something fondly.]

Yuuri K.: [rakes a hand over his face] Don’t bull[bleep] me.

[]

Yuuri K: It is going to take a miracle for me not to embarrass myself on this date. God knows why Mila decided to take me out first. [He leans in, anxiously, toward the producer interviewing him,] Mickey, do you think she’s making fun of me?

[The producer, Mickey, audibly sighs off-camera.]

[][][]

[It is a beautiful day in southern California. Mila stands in the middle of a field in a bright violet top and jeans, her hair and makeup camera-perfect as always, waiting with her hands clasped.

Mila voiceover: I’m really excited for this date with Yuuri K! I had a lot of fun with him last night, and we just kind of _clicked_ , you know? I’m already dying to get more time alone with him.

[Yuuri K. approaches, wearing dark jeans that hug his ass and thighs and a pale blue button-down. He waves awkwardly at Mila as he gets closer. Mila can’t seem to wait, closing the distance between them.]

Mila: I’m so happy to see you! [She flings her arms around Yuuri, enveloping him in a tight hug. Yuuri’s hands come up automatically to hold Mila, but he seems confused.]

Yuuri K.: You… you are? [Mila looks up at him in confusion, and he recovers somewhat.] I mean, so am I. To see you. Um.

[He fiddles with his glasses to cover his awkwardness, and Mila smiles at him, bemused.]

Mila: Are you ready for our date? [She offers him her arm, playfully, and Yuuri hesitates a moment before taking it.]

Yuuri K.: What are we doing all the way out here, anyway?

[His question is answered a split second later by distinctive _whump-whump-whump_ sounds somewhere high above them. Sure enough, the two of them look up to see a helicopter hovering overhead, slowly making its descent about halfway down the field. Yuuri K. blanches, and Mila notices.]

Mila: Never been in a helicopter before, huh?

[Yuuri wordlessly shakes his head.]

Mila: It’s okay! Neither have I! Let’s go!

[]

Mila: Yuuri is… a lot more reserved than I initially thought. He’s really hesitant on this date, and I can really feel him holding himself back. I hope I get to see that more open side of him as this date progresses.

[]

[A montage of Yuuri and Mila flying in the helicopter together, Mila leaning over Yuuri to point out sights from the greater Los Angeles area from overhead. Yuuri nods, not seeming to be saying much. He hasn’t let go of Mila’s hand the entire time, as far as we can see.]

Yuuri K. voiceover: I’m a _really_ nervous flier. That coupled with last night’s hangover… doesn’t make for the best combination.

[A shot of Yuuri, his face obscured by a barf bag. Mila pats his back sympathetically as he heaves.]

[][][]

[Back at the house, several of the men are lounging around in the den. Leo, Chris, and Eric are playing pool while some of the others look on. Yuri P. is at the weight bench, having Otabek spot him as he does bench presses with a very small amount of weight.]

Chris: Sooo. How do you think Mila’s date with Yuuri K. is going?

Yuri P.: [in between reps] I bet he’s crying. Or puking.

[The other men all give him weary looks.]

[]

Leo: I know it’s early on, but it already seems pretty clear to us who Mila’s favorite is. Which, I mean, isn’t surprising, given what happened at the cocktail party, but some of the men in the house aren’t taking that, uh… _super_ well.

[]

Yuri P.: [ticking off on his fingers] First he gets the First Impression Rose, and now the first date card? [He scoffs, sulking in his chair.] What does she see in that piggy, anyway? Does she like alcoholic disasters? Shaking, nervous messes?

[]

Victor: Of course Yuuri got the first date card! He’s so wonderful, how could Mila possibly resist him?

[He looks into the distance and sighs, a short, frustrated sound.]

[]

JJ: [bursting into the room] Another date card!

[The men stop their various activities and gather around JJ as he pulls the card from its envelope.]

JJ: [reading] “Georgi, Yuri P., Otabek, Chris, Phichit, JJ—“ [JJ pumps a fist as he reads his own name.] “—Guanghong, Leo, Seung Gil, Eric, Jason, Emil, and Matt. Let’s find some time to chill. -Mila.”

Guanghong: What do you think that means?

Phichit: [pointing at some of the other men] Skating date? Skating date? Skating date?

[While the others speculate about the date card, we see Victor sitting on his own in front of the television, supposedly watching a daytime talk show. He’s staring at the screen as though he doesn’t really see it.]

[][][]

[The helicopter touches down gently in a garden somewhere, and Mila climbs out first, lending up a hand to Yuuri K. He stumbles as his feet hit the ground and he staggers away from the helicopter, bent double as he tries to catch his breath. Mila hovers a short distance away, somewhat awkwardly.]

Mila: Sorry, Yuuri. I had no idea you would get so sick.

[Yuuri K. wipes his mouth, his expression twisted with anxiety. Then, suddenly, his expression smooths out, and he straightens up, facing Mila impassively.]

Yuuri K.: It isn’t your fault, Mila. You had no way of knowing how mentally weak I am.

Mila: Um… [She shakes her head, stunned.] What?

Yuuri K.: Yeah. I mean, it’s not just that I’m scared of heights, and flying, and helicopters, and octopuses—

Mila: Octopuses?

Yuuri K.: Mila, _they can unscrew jars from the inside._ How are you not TERRIFIED of them? [Inhales] I’m just… I’m sorry. You don’t really know what you’re getting into with me.

Mila: We-ell… [She inches tentatively closer to Yuuri, lacing her fingers with his.] That’s why we’re on this date together, right? So we can get to know each other better?

[She offers him a brilliant smile, one worthy of the fairytale TV romance the producers are trying to create. Yuuri K., however, looks at her like the wheels in his head have started to turn.]

Yuuri K.: You want to know about me, huh? [He rolls his shoulders, resigned.] All right, then. You asked for it.

[He and Mila walk together across the garden toward a domed building familiar to anyone in the Los Angeles area. A chyron in the lower third reads “Griffith Observatory, Los Angeles, CA.”]

[]

Yuuri K.: Listen, I’m a big believer in honesty. If Mila really wants to be with me, she needs to know right away what kind of person she’s getting into bed with.

[There is a pause before Yuuri flails at the camera, waving his hands frantically.]

Yuuri K.: N-not literally! I mean, not yet, anyway, I— oh god…

[]

[A time lapse shows that the sun has now set, progressing the pair to the night portion of the date. Yuuri and Mila are seated at a small table on the terrace at the observatory, overlooking the LA skyline. But neither of them seems to be paying much attention to the romantic atmosphere lovingly cultivated by the show’s producers.]

Yuuri K.: …So yeah, that’s how I stole five corn dogs from a 7-Eleven.

[Mila has been listening to all of this attentively, leaning her hand on her chin, though there’s a slightly concerned look in her eyes that grows more intense the longer Yuuri talks.]

Mila: I think that’s on the cashier for not noticing you were inhaling them in the store, but…

Yuuri K.: Okay, what else. Um. I go off the rails when I drink too much, but you already knew that. I’ll take weeks to reply to text messages if I like you because I get too anxious and overthink everything. I’ve been on anti-anxiety medication since I was seventeen. I can hyperfocus on my work to the point where I ignore everything going on around me. I’ve screwed up my laundry more times than I can count. I constantly forget where I’ve put things. I’m stubborn to the point of pigheadedness — just ask my sister. Oh, and I’m really good at forgetting that actual human beings care about me, which usually turns me into an ass[bleep] when I get into down spells.

Mila: What do you mean by that?

Yuuri K.: Just, when I feel [bleep] about myself, I start to think, there’s no way anyone could ever care about me? And I forget that there are people somewhere that _do,_ or I throw their reassurances back in their faces. My sister’s always calling me out on _that_ , too.

Mila: Yuuri…

Yuuri K.: Oh! I’ve been with men before. [He meets Mila’s eyes defiantly.] Does that bother you?

Mila: Why on earth would _that_ bother me?

[Yuuri looks thrown by her reaction.]

Yuuri K.: Um… some women are put off by it. I don’t know…

[Mila holds up a hand to stop him.]

Mila: Okay. Yuuri. We’ve been on this date for four hours, and I haven’t seen you smile once. Plus, I’ve been sitting here, listening to you expound on all your personal faults for… [She makes a show of checking her wristwatch.] …like twenty minutes now. And I just have one question.

[Yuuri looks unsure, but nods.]

Mila: Do you… not want to be here?

Yuuri K.: W-what? [For the first time since the date started, he looks worried.] N-no! Mila, how could you…?

Mila: Listen, it’s all right if you don’t. I just want to remind you that, this experience _is_ a two-way street. I’m looking for true love, but if this is going to work, that means all the guys here have to want to be with _me_ , too.

[She takes a deep breath, as if to steady herself.]

Mila: I _do_ like you, Yuuri. No matter how many convenience stores you’ve accidentally robbed. But if there ever comes a time you decide you don’t like me anymore, and you want to leave? Then go. No one’s holding you prisoner here.

Yuuri K.: Mila… [He swallows, biting his lip as he looks down.] I-it’s not that I… I _do_ want to be here. I know I’ve… [He cuts himself off again, scratching his head in frustration.] I’ve been… a terrible date tonight. I let my anxiety get the better of me. It’s just…

[He sighs.]

Yuuri K.: I got… caught up, before coming on this date with you, with the idea that I couldn’t let you see any of my faults. And then I got sick on the way over here, and I just… said to myself, well, [bleep] it, I’ve already screwed up, why not go all in?

[Mila actually laughs at that, lightly, and Yuuri looks up in surprise.]

Mila: You really _are_ stubborn, huh?

Yuuri K.: [deflating] The worst.

Mila: That’s something we have in common. [She runs her fingers through her hair, looking a little nervous.] I mean, you kind of have to be stubborn if you’re going to make a career out of dancing with knives strapped to your feet? But I’m known for pushing myself past my limits, even in my field. Drives my coach crazy, but. I _really_ want to be the first woman to land a quad in competition, even if I break my neck trying to get there.

Yuuri K.: [nods] I mean, makes sense to me. You can’t surpass others unless you’re willing to work harder than everyone else out there.

[Their eyes meet, and they both laugh, a little hesitantly.]

Yuuri K.: Mila, if… if you’ll still have me, then I would like to stay, if only for now. But if you’d rather I go after the attitude I’ve shown tonight, I can’t say I’d blame you.

[Mila leans back in her chair a little, studying Yuuri K.]

Mila: Yuuri… I’m not sure what to say. You’ve been a completely different person today than you were last night.

[Yuuri K. flinches as though Mila just slapped him.]

Yuuri K: I… I’m sorry. I had way too much to drink and don’t really remember what I said or… or did, to make you like me so much. [He looks up at her, nervous.] But… if you kept me around, this is who you’d be getting. All the anxieties, all the boneheadedness… [He waves vaguely.]

[]

Yuuri K: I’m… I don’t think I’m anyone’s idea of a Prince Charming. Getting the First Impression Rose… it almost feels like I tricked Mila into liking me? And I couldn’t bear that once I realized my mistake.

[]

Mila: So… this is who you are? Who you _really_ are?

[Ashamed, Yuuri K. nods. But Mila, incredibly, smiles broadly.]

Mila: I can work with that.

[She reaches over to the scarlet Rose that’s been sitting on the edge of the table throughout their dinner.]

Mila: Yuuri. Will you accept this Rose?

[Yuuri K. simply looks at the boutonniere, shell-shocked.]

Yuuri K.: A-are… are you sure?

[Mila nods.]

Mila: I mean what I said. If this is ever too much for you, you can leave, and I won’t have any hard feelings. But if this is you, warts and all, and I still like being around you? Then this can only get better.

[Yuuri K. looks at her in wonder for a moment before he gives up, huffing in laughter.]

Yuuri K.: Okay. [He nods, grinning.] I’ll accept your Rose, Mila. And… thank you.

[He takes the Rose from her, their fingers brushing together.]

[]

Mila: Yuuri K. is such an incredibly honest person, and that’s a quality I really value. Sure, maybe a little heavy for our first real date, but! [She grins at the camera.] I don’t know! It worked for me!

[][][]

[The sun rises over Southern California, a time lapse showing the shadows changing on the Mansion’s exterior.]

[Another establishing shot of the Bachelor Mansion during the daytime, a fleet of SUVs waiting on the pavement outside the house.]

Emil voiceover: None of us really knows what to expect on this date with Mila! We’re all ready for anything.

[The men pile into the SUVs, which take off in a procession from the Mansion.]

[]

[Establishing shot: a white, somewhat boxy building with navy signage. The chyron in the lower third reads “Los Angeles Kings Valley Ice Center, Panorama City, CA.” Phichit hoots as the building comes into view.]

Phichit: Oooh, what did I tell you all! Skating date!

[]

Phichit: I bet we’re going to skate in circles, hold hands… that kind of stuff. I doubt any of us can keep up with Mila on ice skates, but it’ll be fun to try!

[]

[Mila is standing out front with Sara, chatting with her about something that we can’t hear. We see Sara nudge Mila playfully, see Mila giggle and nudge her back. Then Mila looks up, aware of the arrival of her suitors.]

Mila: Hey, guys! [She spreads her arms wide.] Welcome to the Ice Center!

[The men all greet her in a chorus, with Chris breaking free from the crowd to come forward and kiss Mila’s hand. She looks bemused, but tolerates it.]

Mila: I’ve booked the rink for us all afternoon. I’ve got something special in mind for us!

[She winks at the crowd before leading the way inside, and the men follow.]

[]

Mila: My expectations for today are just to have some fun and get to know these guys. Plus, it’ll probably be funny to see some of them try to impress me on skates.

[She all but guffaws, though she quickly recovers with an apologetic look off-camera.]

Mila: What? Too much?

[]

[The thirteen men on the date pile into the locker room at the Ice Center, only to find piles of hockey skates, hockey gear, and two different colors of jerseys.

[Sara is in the locker room, in the midst of this display, smirking at the men.]

Sara: Gentlemen! Today you’ll be proving to Mila that you’re able to meet her on her home turf: the ice! You’ll have about an hour on the ice to learn and practice the basics of skating before you break into two teams for a hockey scrimmage!

[One of the men, Eric, looks at this scene and stops dead in the doorway, the color draining from his face.]

[]

[In the studio, the chyron in the lower third of the screen still identifies Eric’s profession as “banana,” even if he is dressed in a perfectly ordinary pullover today.]

Eric: I’ve never been on ice skates in my _life_. There’s no way I’m going to be able to stay upright today, let alone play hockey!

[]

Georgi: I’ve played hockey since I was a kid! This’ll be fun!

[Indeed, Georgi looks almost giddy for once.]

[]

Sara: There are thirteen of you, so we’ll be having a little contest during your practice session to determine which of you will be receiving the coveted position of referee, as well as who will be the team captains. Aren’t you excited?!

[The men make noises of agreement, even though some look more nervous than others.]

[]

JJ: No idea what the contest is going to be, but the King’s going to come out on top! He always does!

[]

[On the ice, the men are put into groups of two or three with professional instructors who teach them how to do forward strokes, crossovers, and hockey stops, along with a few other basic moves. A few, particularly Eric, Otabek, and Seung Gil, seem to be knock-kneed, standing on wobbly legs on their skates. Others, particularly JJ, Jason, and Georgi, are zooming from one end of the rink to the other, spraying the boards with ice shavings every time they grind to a halt.]

[Mila is standing at the boards, watching them all with an expression of bemusement.]

Mila voiceover: It’s fun to see the guys take to the ice. This has been my world for so long that I think anyone I open my heart to would have to love it as much as I do, or at least be able to respect the ice. I know that sounds weird! But if you don’t get skating, you… don’t really get _me_ , you know?

[In the more inexperienced group in the middle of the rink, Eric pushes off with the side of his blade into a shaky, but passable, one-footed glide. Emboldened by the fact that he has not yet fallen, he pushes off again, building up speed as he crosses the short end of the rink one glide at a time. Meanwhile, oblivious, Georgi is charging across the rink backwards, going faster and faster.]

Georgi voiceover: So… been on skates for most of my life, right. And when it’s just me and my friends on the ice, I’ve been known to try a few tricks to make them laugh? I’m no figure skater, and I’m definitely wearing the wrong skates for it, but I’m thinking… I know I can do a single loop, maybe make Mila smile a little.

[]

[The camera cuts to him in the studio, looking grim.]

Georgi: I _really_ should have been looking where I was going…

[]

[The camera is focused on JJ and Yuri P. racing side by side when there is a crash, a shout, and the camera immediately pivots to focus, shakily, on Eric and Georgi lying in a tangled heap on the ice. Eric seems okay, scooting away from Georgi to try and push himself back up—although his inexperience on the ice means that he pushes himself up onto his hands, his feet flying out from under him until he falls, heavily, onto his stomach. He rests his forehead on the surface of the ice, clearly embarrassed.]

[Georgi, however…]

Mila: Georgi!

[She immediately skates onto the ice, skidding to a stop in front of where Georgi lies, moaning quietly, clutching the side of his head.]

Mila: Bozhe moy… can you stand?

[Carefully, she helps him up, supporting his weight as they skate off the rink together, slowly. Leo and Phichit take pity on Eric, going to help him up as they ask about him, checking him over.]

[]

Eric: It was… crazy. First I feel like I’m finally getting the hang of this skating thing, and then this happens? I feel so… so stupid.

[]

Yuri P.: It’s Georgi’s [bleep] fault. He’s the ‘expert,’ or whatever. It’s the responsibility of more experienced skaters need to keep their eye out for newbies so no one ends up getting hurt.

[]

Chris: Eric is… I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s a bit of a klutz. It’s no wonder he ended up running into Georgi like that.

[]

Jason: Sucks he got hurt, but yeah, totally Georgi’s fault.

[]

[On the side of the rink, a medic works with Georgi, tracking his pupils, while Mila looks on worriedly.]

[][][]

[Meanwhile, back at the Mansion, Yuuri K. shuffles into the living room, holding a mug of tea and his phone.]

Victor: Hi, Yuuri~!

[Yuuri K. startles to see Victor entering from the opposite wing of the house, clad in a pair of snug swimming trunks and a faded T-shirt.]

Yuuri K.: V-Victor! Why… why are you here?

[Victor pouts.]

Victor: I’ve been left behind. Mila must have forgotten all about me. [He gives Yuuri a radiant, almost flirtatious smile.] But who can blame her, when she’s surrounded by beautiful men like you.

[Yuuri K blushes furiously.]

Yuuri K.: D-don’t be silly. I’m sure there’s a good reason you weren’t invited on the group date. [He looks around his shoulder, his gaze catching on a white envelope bearing Victor’s name resting on the mantlepiece. He gets up to nab it.] L-look! This is probably your solo date card.

Victor: Oooh. Read it to me?

[He smiles so charmingly at Yuuri K. that it seems he has little choice but to do so. He thumbs open the envelope, takes out the card and begins to read.]

Yuuri K.: [reading] “Victor. Get ready for one wild ride.”

Victor: Oh, I _am_ , Yuuri. But are _you_? [He winks at Yuuri K, which only seems to leave him more flustered.]

Yuuri K.: It’s… not my date.

[He takes a long, long sip of tea from his mug. Victor’s eyes seem to follow him, boring into him.]

[][][]

[Georgi sits on a bench rinkside, holding an ice pack to his head.]

Georgi voiceover: I’m not concussed, but there’s a bump on my head that means the medic won’t let me back out to skate. I won’t lie, it’s pretty disappointing.

[Indeed, he looks pitiful as he sits on the bench, looking sadly out at the ice. Mila watches him, her gaze full of sympathy.]

[The remaining twelve men are gathered in a semi-circle on the rink around Sara.]

Sara: Okay… you’ve finished your basic hockey training, but now we’re down a man, so unfortunately, we won’t be able to have one of you be the ref. Guess it’ll just have to be… me!

[The camera swivels to show that Sara is dressed in full hockey regalia, complete with the stereotypical black and white striped jersey, her hair tied up in a ponytail. Mila’s jaw drops when she sees her in it.]

Mila: I… humina…

[Sara is too far away to notice Mila’s drooling, still caught up in explaining the rules of the game to the men. JJ is chosen as one team captain, while Yuri P. is the other. JJ smirks at Yuri P., waggling his fingers in his direction, while Yuri P. all but snarls.]

[]

JJ: Yuri’s just an upstart little kid. He’s, what, twenty years old? He doesn’t know anything about love, and he _definitely_ isn’t good enough to beat the King.

[]

Yuri P: He’s just…! So [bleep] arrogant all the [bleep] time. Don’t you get sick of _looking_ at him?!

[]

Sara: The purpose of this challenge, gentlemen, is to show Mila that you can be part of a team. In a relationship, you have to be perfectly in sync with your partner, be ready to give and take so that you can be happy together.

[Yuri P. is too busy glaring daggers at JJ to listen to Sara.]

Yuri P.: Right, right. Teamwork.

Sara: Um… so… captains! We’ve randomly selected your teammates for you, giving each team about the same skill level. Remember, this is about working with members of your team toward a common goal.

[The men split into their teams, and Sara looks across the ice at Mila, finally noticing that the Bachelorette is gawping at her.]

Sara: Um… Mila?

[Mila visibly shakes herself.]

Mila: [voice cracking] Fine! I’m fine. Ready to… watch these boys play hockey over me.

[She scratches at the back of her head, turning away with a blush. Sara gives her a bemused smile that’s more than a little fond.]

[The game commences in earnest. Mila and Georgi sit side by side in the front row of the bleachers, both of them providing encouragement to the men on the rink. They’re both well bundled up, Mila all but pressed against Georgi’s side as they both cheer.]

[Numerous shots of the men on the rink, fighting back and forth for the puck. A couple of them, like JJ and Jason, are trying to showboat for Mila a little, while others are doing their best not to fall, and to stay out of their way. Eric, crouched in his team’s goal, seems perfectly content where he is.]

[During a lull in the action, Mila turns to Georgi beside her.]

Mila: How’s your head?

[Georgi wrenches his miserable expression from the ice long enough to look at her.]

Georgi: Ah… a little tender, but I think it’ll be okay. I’ve been hurt worse before during hockey practice.

Mila: Oh! How long have you played?

Georgi: Since I was six! It’s mostly a weekend hobby now, but there was a time when I was in high school, I thought I might play for the NHL.

Mila: But the siren song of personal training was too strong, huh?

[She winks at him, teasing, and Georgi flushes a little.]

[A cheer goes up around the crowd, and both of their attention is drawn back to the rink, where Jason has just scored a goal against Eric.]

Jason: Yes! YES! I am the greatest!!

Mila: Great shot, Jason!

[With a grin, Jason skates over to the side of the rink where Mila waits, and she gets up, ready to hug him in congratulations.]

[But, as he gets closer, it soon becomes clear that this is nowhere near Jason’s goal at all, as he grabs Mila by the waist, pulling her in for a fierce, almost forceful kiss. Her eyes widen in shock, and she freezes against him, pinned in by his arms and too stunned to shove him off.]

[Next to her, Georgi stares at Jason in shock, and many of the other men on the rink do the same, startled by his boldness. Georgi is first to recover.]

Georgi: H-hey! What’s the big idea?

[Jason pulls away from Mila with a loud smacking sound, smirking at his rival.]

Jason: Sorry, big G. Someone had to get there first. [He winks at Mila.] Made that goal for you, babe.

Georgi: You didn’t even _ask her,_ you pig!

[Mila is pale, still seeming in shock, but she’s startled back to action now that she’s been released.]

Mila: [sweetly] Hey, Jason?

Jason: Yeah, babe?

[Mila gives Jason an angelic smile that is almost terrifying.]

Mila: Get the hell out of my sight.

[The smirk slides right off Jason’s face.]

Jason: Wait, what?

Mila: You heard me. I want you gone. Right now. Is your bag packed, back at the Mansion?

[Jason laughs like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.]

Jason: Jesus… you’ve got some sense of humor, Mila. Was it not good for you or something?

Yuri P: She’s telling you you’re out, [bleep]!

[The other men have gathered around at the interruption, glaring at Jason. Chris, Phichit, and Yuri P. look especially furious, while Leo and Guanghong look slightly nauseous.]

Sara: Ah… Yuri P. put it pretty succinctly, I think. Jason, take a moment and say your goodbyes.

[Jason looks flabbergasted.]

Jason, subtitled: Are you [bleeping] me?

[He looks around at the assembled cast, none of whom seem eager to make eye contact with him. Mila continues to stare at him as though he’s some particularly foul insect she’d like to crush beneath the blade of her skate.]

Jason: Fine. Fine! I see how it is. Later, losers.

[He skates off in a frenzy, ignoring the murmurs behind him.]

[]

[Jason is being interviewed in the back of the SUV that brought him to the ice rink, still sweaty from his game and looking slightly disheveled after rapidly getting dressed again.]

Jason: Honestly, that [bleep] doesn’t know what she’s missing. I would’ve treated her like a [bleep] princess, given her everything she could have wanted. [He shakes his head, disgusted.] To think I thought she was the future mother of my children. What a [bleep] waste. She wasn’t even a good kisser, for the record.

[]

[In the studio, Mila sighs, frustrated.]

Mila: Well… after the whole Jason thing, we didn’t have enough people to keep playing, so the match kind of petered out after that. I really… _really_ don’t like people touching me unless I’m ready for it, and I especially don’t like guys that kiss me without asking. Maybe Jason thought it was romantic, but I don’t give a [bleep]. I don’t want that anywhere near me.

[]

[It is the night portion of the group date with Mila, and she and Georgi sit on the sofa together, at least eighteen tapers lit behind them. The other men all sit in a separate room, waiting for their turn for one-on-one time.]

Mila: I really appreciate how you stood up for me after that whole mess with Jason.

Georgi: Oh, that? Really, it was nothing. I shouldn’t get accolades for trying to do the decent thing, especially since I couldn’t even get him to stop.

Mila: Still, you showed that you were thinking about me, and not about how I was some… prize he’d gotten to first.

Georgi: Again… not something I should get a cookie for.

Mila: You really don’t know how rare that is among guys, huh.

Georgi: Oh, I know, I just think it’s… [He glances at the camera.] …Uh… crap, the way some guys treat women.

Mila: I’m pretty lucky to have a good bunch, then.

[She smiles at Georgi, then reaches for the silver tray in front of her.]

Mila: Georgi, will you accept this Rose?

[Georgi looks surprised by her offer, but honored by it.]

Georgi: Mila… of course.

[He lets her pin it to him, then bends down to kiss the back of her hand. She giggles, brushing her fingers through his hair affectionately.]

[]

Mila: Georgi is… a very kind, sensitive man. I decided to give him the Rose not only because he stood up for me, but because I felt like I really got to know him when we sat and watched the game together. He was a good sport about not being able to play, even though he totally loves hockey. Plus, I got to see earlier that boy does have _some_ moves.

[She grins.]

Mila: It was kind of a crappy date overall, but at least some good came from it.

[][][]

[It is the following day, early afternoon. A chyron in the lower-third tells us we are on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Establishing shots show classy, high-end boutiques lining the street: Bulgari, Cartier, Ralph Lauren, and Louis Vuitton, just to name a few.]

[Victor is walking down the sidewalk wearing black jeans and a dove-gray button down shirt, looking as composed and beautifully windswept as ever.]

Victor voiceover: I... don't really know what to expect, on this date with Mila. She and I didn't get to know one another particularly well on the first night, so it should be nice spending time with her now.

[Mila is waiting for him at an intersection, wearing a pale blue flannel shirt and cowboy boots, her bright hair twisted into a pair of small, messy pigtail braids.]

Mila: Victor! [She waves at him excitedly, and Victor grins back.]

Victor: Ah, Mila. Fancy running into you here! [He winks at her, and she giggles, charmed and perhaps a little flustered.]

[]

Mila: Listen… I am fully, fully aware of how stupid and shallow this sounds. But Victor is an _incredibly_ good-looking human. Sometimes it’s a _liiiiittle_ hard for me to keep my cool around him.

[]

[Victor looks around at the luxury boutiques, taking in his surroundings.]

Victor: Why, Mila. Spoiling me so soon?

Mila: Well, I thought we could explore a little. And what’s the point of coming to Rodeo Drive if you can’t do it… in _style?_

[She gestures behind her at two PAs that are rounding the corner. Each of them is holding a horse by the reins: one, a gorgeous chestnut stallion, and the other a pure white mare. Victor’s eyes go wide.]

Victor: Oh… oh wow.

[]

Victor: I’ve never ridden a horse before?? Mila’s incredibly full of surprises.

[]

[With the help of the PAs, Victor has climbed atop his stallion, sitting very poised even though his face is pale.]

Mila: You all right?

[The smile he offers her is blinding.]

Victor: I’m here with a beautiful woman. I’m more than all right.

[He could melt butter with his expression. Mila flushes, but a small furrow appears between her eyebrows.]

Mila: Let’s go, then! [She tightens her grip on her reins, nickering softly to her horse as she starts her mare off on a walk. Victor hesitates for a split second before imitating her, his stallion catching up with hers so they can ride side by side.]

Victor: So… were you trying to evoke American rodeos with this date?

[He pronounces the word “ro-day-oh”, like the street they’re riding down.]

Mila: What, with the broncos and the clowns and the lassos? Those are “ro-dee-ohs”.

Victor: What? “Ro-dee-oh”?

Mila: “Ro-dee-oh”.

Victor: “Ro-dee-oh”.

[They continue repeating the unfamiliar word together, their eyes catching before Mila laughs.]

[]

Mila: It’s been so long since I’ve spent time with another Russian expat! All of my rinkmates in Colorado are either American, Hungarian, or Ukrainian, seems like. Oh, and one girl from Ghana! But anyway, there’s something about being with Victor that feels a little bit like home. It’s hard to feel that way about people who aren’t from my country.

[]

Mila: So, Victor. How has it been, adjusting to life in the Mansion?

Victor: Oh, fine, fine. But it pales in comparison when it comes to spending time with you.

[He smiles over at her again, and Mila barely looks amused.]

Mila: Mm…

[]

Victor: I think I’m making a good impression on this date! I didn’t win my agency’s Most Charming Smile Award five years in a row for nothing!

[]

Mila: I’m… not getting much from Victor on this date. I feel like he’s just trying to put on a good face to try and impress me? I wish he felt more comfortable to show his true self with me!

[]

[They are riding down the street, and Victor’s gaze drifts from the road to the Dolce & Gabbana window, seeming mildly interested by the window display. Noticing this, Mila beckons to her horse, guiding her so she turns around.]

Mila: You want to head in?

[Without waiting for an answer, she trots her horse right through the front door of the Dolce & Gabbana, only having to duck slightly so as to not to hit her head onto the doorframe. Victor only gapes at her, laughing.]

Victor: Can we do that? [to the cameraman] Is she allowed to do that?

[He hesitates before doing the same, carefully stepping his horse over the threshold. Mila looks over her shoulder, looking thrilled that he followed her.]

Mila: I hoped you’d be up for a little adventure!

Victor: I… [clears throat] Erm. With you, everything is an adventure.

[Mila only looks frustrated that he’s fallen back into this smooth, unflappable persona so quickly.]

[]

Mila: Nothing! [She clenches her fingers around an imaginary neck, frustrated.] He didn’t react at all, and inside I’m like, Victor! I’m begging you! Please be a person!

[][][]

[Back at the Bachelor mansion, in the rec room, Yuuri K. is curled up with an e-reader in the corner while Phichit sits at the other end, doing something on his phone.]

Phichit: You know, Yuuri, you’re a lot more low-key than I thought you’d be, that first night. [Yuuri K. looks up, startled, and Phichit hastens to elaborate.] Not that that’s a bad thing! I kind of figured you’d be, you know, the kind of guy getting wasted every night, doing the bro fist pump thing.

Yuuri K.: Bro fist… pump thing?

Phichit: Yeah, you know. [He demonstrates for Yuuri, whose expression doesn’t smooth over.] A douchebag. Like Jason. [An awkward pause ensues.] What I’m trying to say is, you’re a good guy, that’s all.

[Yuuri K. smiles shyly.]

Yuuri K.: I’m nothing special. But that’s nice of you, thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.

[Chris saunters into the room, wearing nothing but a form-hugging Speedo, and drapes himself over the back of the couch.]

Chris: What do you think Victor and Mila are doing on their date, Yuuri?

[Immediately, Yuuri’s expression changes.]

Yuuri K.: I don’t know. Why are you asking me?

Chris: Oh, no reason. I just wouldn’t want you getting _jealous_ , or anything.

Yuuri: I’m _not_. I don’t care. He can do what he likes.

[He gets up in a sudden huff, finding his way to a more deserted part of the Mansion. Chris looks at Phichit, looking amused.]

Chris: Tell me. Which one of our Yuuri’s dance partners do you think he’s more jealous of?

[Phichit leans forward with a grin.]

Phichit: Oh, I have my theories.

[]

JJ: I feel like… jealousy in this house is kind of inevitable. We all want to be with Mila, but only one of us can. I mean, it’ll be me, of course, but the other guys getting jealous of what she and I have? Kind of expected.

[]

Yuuri K.: It’s how the game works. I get it. It’s just… so… _annoying._

[][][]

[Some time has passed, the sun no longer directly overhead as Victor and Mila trot back up the road on the opposite side. Victor has a D&G shopping bag dangling from his saddle, while Mila has a new Coach purse hanging from hers. They both seem somewhat subdued.]

[]

Victor: I don’t understand what’s happening. I laughed at her jokes, I complimented her on more than just her looks… but the harder I try, the colder she is toward me. What am I doing wrong?

[]

[The sound of barking up ahead seems to draw Victor out of his doldrums, and he looks up, immediately energized. A standard poodle, fur trimmed in decorative patterns, is tied outside a Harry Barker’s, barking at the horses as they approach.]

Victor: Oh… oh my gosh. [His grip tightens on the reins, and his horse comes to a stop. Mila, noticing this, does the same, looking over at him.]

Mila: What’s the matter?

Victor: That dog is so _cute!_

[He swings his leg over his horse, trying to dismount, though his foot ends up getting stuck in the stirrup. A PA immediately comes to disentangle him, and he takes off at a brisk pace, limping slightly, to approach the dog, who is still yapping at Mila’s horse.]

Victor: There, there, beautiful. They aren’t going to hurt you.

[He kneels in front of the dog, letting her sniff his fingers, and Mila watches, amazed. The poodle tentatively licks Victor’s fingers and he scratches her behind her ears, cooing to her in Russian.]

[Mila watches all this as she expertly dismounts from her horse, coming up behind him.]

Mila: Wow… you’re really good with dogs.

[Victor grins up at her.]

Victor: I have a poodle back home in New York. Makkachin. A friend’s watching her while I’m here, but. I really miss her a lot.

[The dog’s owner comes back out, and Victor backs up a respectful distance, complimenting the owner on the dog and making small talk about their pets. Mila watches all this, her head tilted curiously. The dog and her owner take off and Victor watches them go, wistfully.]

Mila: You really miss Makkachin, don’t you.

[It’s a statement rather than a question. Victor nods, hints of a shadow coming over his face.]

Victor: She’s my best friend, really. [He looks over at Mila, seeming to remember where he is, and laughs sheepishly.] That is! She’s been in my life a long time, that’s all. I’m sure she misses me a great deal.

[Mila takes this in, then looks up at the Harry Barker’s, with its luxury canine accessories in the window display.]

Mila: Well. Why don’t we buy her a present?

[Victor gapes at her for a moment, then grins excitedly. It’s a different sort of smile than his charming ones from earlier- there’s something unrestrained about him now.]

Victor: Can we?!

[He grabs Mila by both hands, dragging her into the Harry Barker’s behind him.]

[]

[Evening- Victor and Mila are at a private table for two at 208 Rodeo, a high-end restaurant in the prestigious shopping district. Victor has added at least three Harry Barker’s bags to his collection. He raises his champagne flute for a toast.]

Victor: Here’s to you, Mila, and a lovely day spent together.

[Mila raises her own glass, looking unimpressed by the return of Smooth Victor.]

Mila: Here’s to Makkachin, that she isn’t too lonely without you.

[Victor clinks his glass with hers, looking touched. After taking a brief sip, Mila reaches for the Rose at the edge of the table.]

Mila: Victor.

[He looks at her, wide-eyed.]

Mila: Will you accept this Rose?

[He smiles his magazine smile, looking at Mila through hooded eyelids.]

Victor: Of course, _lisichka._ I’d be honored.

[Mila smiles at him, seeming content by that answer.]

[]

Mila: I still don’t have a good sense of who Victor is as a person. But his enthusiasm over his dog was so adorable, he seems like a good listener… and, I know I’ve mentioned this, but. [She sighs.] He _is_ very pretty. Maybe if I keep him around for another week, he’ll be more comfortable to open up around me.

[][][]

[Time passes, and it is time for another Rose Ceremony at the Mansion. In a separate den, Mila and Sara sit in two chairs, Mila dressed in another stunning evening gown — this one emerald green and studded with rhinestones — and Sara in her traditional suit-and-gardenia combination.]

Sara: So, Bachelorette. How are you feeling after this week?

[Mila actually sighs.]

Mila: Honestly? Not at all what I expected.

Sara: Oh?

Mila: I expected, I don’t know… fireworks? For one of these guys to sweep me off my feet somehow? All three dates were _fine_ , but I wasn’t feeling much in the way of magic.

Sara: [leaning forward in her chair] Is that what you want? Magic?

Mila: I don’t know! It just seems like… like not many of these guys are willing to meet me halfway. Yuuri took his date as some kind of personal challenge, Victor spent the entire day just trying to flatter me… and the hockey date? Jason?

Sara: [hums sympathetically]

Mila: He just wanted to _win_ me. He didn’t care about what I actually wanted.

Sara: Is that a sense you get from a lot of the guys?

Mila: Not _all_ of them, but. I don’t know. I’m putting myself out there, trying to find someone willing to accept all of me, just like I accept all of them. It’s just. Different from what I expected.

[Sara’s eyes are sad as she looks at Mila.]

Sara: I’m sorry they’ve made you feel that way.

Mila: Eh, it’s fine, it was. Just a hard week.

[Sara nods sympathetically.]

Sara: I asked you last week if you thought your soulmate was here. Do you still think so?

Mila: I honestly don’t know. I _want_ to. I want to believe in this process. It’s just… [She sighs again, then pulls on a smile.] It’s just hard.

Sara: Finding real love _is_ hard. I think… I think it’s rarely what we think it’s going to be. [She reaches out, covering Mila’s hand with hers.] I just want you to know that you don’t have to go through this process alone.

[Mila looks down at Sara’s hand atop hers, then looks back up, offering a more tentative smile as she laces her fingers through Sara’s.]

Mila: Thanks, Sara. That means a lot.

[]

[The fourteen remaining men are lined up on the dais for the Rose Ceremony. Victor, Georgi, and Yuuri K. all wear their roses, marking them as safe. Victor looks across to Yuuri K. on the other side, offering him a tentative smile, which Yuuri K. returns.]

[Mila stands at the front of the room, beside a silver tray of nine roses, and begins to hand them out. Eric the banana is the first to receive one this week, followed by Emil, Chris, Phichit, Guanghong, Leo, JJ, and Otabek. Finally, there is only one Rose remaining. Sara steps out of the shadows to address the room.]

Sara: Gentlemen. Mila. This is the last Rose tonight. [She nods at Mila.] When you’re ready.

[With a nod, Mila picks up the Rose, holding it thoughtfully in her hands. The camera pans between Yuri P., Seung Gil, and ventriloquist Ben, all of whom look anxiously at Mila and the Rose.]

[Finally, Mila speaks.]

Mila: Yuri P.

[Yuri P. walks forward, stunned, to stand before her. Back on the dais, Ben and Seung Gil look disappointed.]

Mila: Yuri P., will you accept this Rose?

Yuri P.: Yep. Uh, yes.

[Mila pins it to him with little ceremony, and he turns around, locking eyes with JJ as though issuing a challenge. JJ looks back, unimpressed. Sara reemerges.]

Sara: Gentlemen, I’m sorry. If you did not receive a Rose, take a moment and say your goodbyes.

[This goodbye is a bit more fond than the one from the first night, when the men were still strangers. Emil gives Ben a hug goodbye, while Phichit sympathetically squeezes stoic Seung Gil’s shoulder. Mila watches them all, her expression a carefully cultivated one of remorse.]

Mila voiceover: It’s a shame that anyone has to go. But I feel like of all the men here, they’re the ones I have the least connection with.

[][][]

[In the limo, Seung Gil addresses the camera.]

Seung Gil: I don’t think I managed to make much of an impression on her. I’ve… been told that I can take a long time to warm up to new people, and I suppose that worked against me. [He looks sadly out the window for a moment.] No one to blame but myself, really.

[]

[Ben is in a separate limo, holding his beloved puppet on his lap.]

Ben: Well, Trilo, old friend, it looks like we’re heading home to Boston.

Trilo: I can’t how badly believe you screwed this up for me.

[The puppet motions like he’s socking Ben in the jaw, and Ben grimaces, put-upon.]

[][][][][]

Sara voiceover: Next week, on _The Bachelorette…_

Sara: Hey- what happens in Vegas, gentlemen!

[Wide shot of the Thunder From Down Under main stage in Las Vegas. Mila stands amid a crowd of squealing women as she playfully waves dollar bills at several of the men doing a synchronized stripping routine. From behind, Otabek slides his jacket down over his shoulders. Phichit whips his shirt around his head with a whoop.]

Yuuri K. voiceover: You’ll watch me… won’t you?

[A shot of Yuuri K. winking before ripping off his tearaway pants, to the delighted screams of the women.]

Sara voiceover: Mila’s search for true love continues!

[Brief flashes of Mila leaning close to her dinner partners as though they’re about to kiss. The shots are too brief for us to see who she’s dining with.]

Sara voiceover: Plus…

Yuri P.: [Bleep] you, you Canadian [bleep]!

Sara voiceover: The tension between JJ and Yuri P…… comes to a head.

Yuri P.: You’re just sitting there, all smug, and you don’t give a damn about Mila. All you care about is your [bleep] music, and your [bleep] lifestyle brand, and I’m [bleep] sick of it!

[JJ only seems amused by the accusations.]

JJ interview: Look, little Yuri has an axe to grind, I guess, and he’s decided I’m his favorite target! [shrugs mockingly] Whatever makes you feel better, little man!

Sara voiceover: And later…

[There is a shot of Leo and Mila atop a mountain together, another of Georgi and Mila laughing in the audience of a stand-up comedy show at UCB.]

Mila voiceover: You know, I feel like I can really be myself around you. I’m so grateful for that.

Sara voiceover: It’s all coming up next week, on _The Bachelorette!_

[ _The Bachelorette_ title card, with its diamond ring logo and brilliant red rose, fills the screen.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in updates!! I started a new job in August, which has been taking up most of my time and energy as I adjust to gainful employment and all the things that entails. Plus, I'll be working in earnest on my BBOI entry starting pretty soon. I'll be working regularly on this, but there might be another 2-3 weeks before the next update. Working _so hard_ to get to the good stuff lmao.
> 
> Subscribe for updates, and please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!!!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic would not exist without the help and encouragement of [defiantdreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefiantDreams/pseuds/DefiantDreams), with whom I originally plotted this AU. She was gracious enough to let me take this stab at it. Essa, this is for you. ♥ I was also VERY inspired by mtothedestiel's Top Chef AU, ["if you can't take the heat,"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11409837/chapters/25557810) which imo is a masterpiece of reality TV AU fiction. 
> 
> Big thanks as well to [seventhstar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstar/pseuds/seventhstar) and [spookyfoot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyfoot/pseuds/spookyfoot) for giving this a beta read!! These ladies are the best and most talented; go read their fics immediately. I'll wait. 
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr](http://phoenixrei.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/apostaroni)! ♥ Hoping to get the next chapter up by, if not next Monday, then the Monday after that.


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